


The Colours of my Mind

by Small_Hobbit



Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:13:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22130032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Hobbit/pseuds/Small_Hobbit
Summary: The first thing Lucas North registered after the explosion was the red of the blaze.
Relationships: Adam Carter/Lucas North
Comments: 8
Kudos: 6





	1. Red

**Author's Note:**

> Written for DW's Inspiring Tables 'Colours' table.
> 
> Each chapter is a separate section of Lucas' thoughts. Short to begin with, for reasons which will become clear, they lengthen slightly.
> 
> Although the colour of the chapter is only briefly mentioned, it does 'colour' the whole of the short episode.

The first thing Lucas North registered after the explosion was the red of the blaze, as the building he had been heading towards burned furiously. He was lying on the ground at what he assumed was a safe distance. He could hear people shouting, but as no-one was shouting at him, he felt no inclination to move.

He had been on his way to meet Adam Carter, who was deep undercover, when the explosion happened. It had been important they met, he had information which needed to be passed on, but now the building was destroyed they would have to re-arrange the meeting. That would take time, so there was no need for him to move yet.


	2. Blue

The second thing Lucas registered was the blue lights of the emergency vehicles. He could hear their sirens as they raced towards the burning building. There’d be a fire engine, or maybe two, the blaze did seem rather large. And police cars; the police always attended situations like this. Maybe even an ambulance if someone had been hurt.

He hoped Adam would be all right. He wasn’t sure of the time; Adam might not have reached the building when it exploded. Perhaps the ambulance was for Adam, if that was the case he’d soon hear.

Anyway, there was nothing for him to do; the emergency services would take care of everything.


	3. Green

Two people were leaning over Lucas: a man and a woman, both dressed in green. Paramedics. He must have been hurt as well. He answered their questions as best he could, giving them his name, and grunting when they touched parts of his body which hurt most. That was easier than speaking, and they didn’t seem to mind.

Then they carefully placed him on a stretcher and put a neck brace on him. They also gave him an oxygen mask, which was nice, because it made him feel a little better. As he was taken to the ambulance, he tried to look around to see if he could spot Adam in the crowd, but the paramedic said to him to lie still if he could. So he did as he was asked, because he knew they were doing their best for him.


	4. Brown

Lucas wasn’t sure how long he’d been in the hospital, but there was light coming through the window of his room, and it had been dark when the explosion happened.

He was conscious of two people in the room with him, one of whom was quietly asking him questions. They weren’t medical staff, so presumably they had come from the security forces. He didn’t feel threatened, the questioner was speaking softly and gently and didn’t seem to mind when he didn’t answer. Lucas concentrated on the man’s brown shoes; it was easier that way than looking at his face.

Sometimes the man asked the same question twice, and once even three times, but Lucas was consistent in his replies. He was honest about his own role, but careful to avoid mentioning anything about Adam’s part, other than to say they were meeting. With Adam undercover, and not knowing what had happened to him the previous evening, it was best to assume his cover had been unbroken.

The man seemed to know Lucas and Adam were in a relationship, and seemed ready to ask Lucas about the house they lived in. Since none of this was restricted information, he was happy to talk about it.


	5. White

Lucas was starting to get bored with being in bed all the time. He wanted a change from white sheets and white blankets and white walls. There wasn’t even a television in his room to provide any entertainment. He had slowly sat himself up, and was just wondering whether he could stand, when a nurse came in.

She took one look at him and asked him where he thought he was going since he was still hooked up to an IV tube and a monitor. He told her he was bored, and she said that they might be able to do something for him later in the afternoon, once he had been seen by a doctor. And, providing he ate his dinner, which would be along shortly.

He agreed, and he ate about half the main course, before he decided he was feeling sleepy again. He’d eat the pudding later after he’d had a nap.

When he woke it was dark, and they’d taken his pudding away. He wondered whether he’d had any visitors that afternoon, perhaps even Adam, but they hadn’t woken him, so he assumed not.


	6. Turquoise

Lucas smiled as the physiotherapist in her turquoise tunic entered his room. She smiled back and took him through his exercises. He was making good progress, and although he still ached after he’d completed his exercises, and needed to rest, she had assured him that all things being equal he would be discharged the following day.

Later, the doctor visited and confirmed this, adding that so long as he had a reasonable night he would be leaving in the morning. After which a nurse came in and went through all the things he would need to be aware of, that he couldn’t go straight back to work but needed to take things a step at a time. He promised her he would continue with his exercises and be sure to get plenty of rest.

She told him someone would be along to collect him but didn’t know the name of the person. He was rather disappointed because that almost certainly meant it wasn’t Adam, who was named as his next of kin. But at least he would be leaving the hospital, and then he’d be able to find out what had been happening while he had been in there.


	7. Grey

It was Malcolm who came to collect Lucas. As they left the hospital Lucas looked up and saw the grey sky. He shivered. He was used to the warmth of the hospital and felt the cold more than he had expected. Malcolm noticed and told him he was parked nearby, leading the way to his car, and putting Lucas’ bag into the boot. Lucas had said he could carry his own bag, but Malcolm had insisted, which in the end Lucas was grateful about, because they had hurried to reach the car before it had started to rain. From the appearance of the roads it had been raining earlier as well, so they had been lucky to make it while it was dry.

As they drove, Malcolm explained he was taking Lucas to his home, where his mother was expecting them. He said it would give Lucas a bit more time before he needed to do everything for himself. Lucas said he understood and tried not to show his sadness. Of course, if Adam was still undercover then he wouldn’t be in their home, so it was probably sensible, but nonetheless Lucas was disappointed.

He was, however, pleased that some of his own possessions had been brought and were waiting for him in the spare bedroom in Malcolm’s house. He wondered how Malcolm had known which books to choose, for the ones which were there were his favourites.

When Lucas asked how things were on the Grid, Malcolm told him a little, including Jo’s disastrous attempt at dyeing her hair, and how they’d found a recently opened Italian restaurant, but didn’t mention anything about the work.

After a while, Lucas admitted to feeling tired. Malcolm suggested he go for a rest, and Mrs Wynn-Jones promised to keep lunch for him for when he was ready. Lucas went upstairs and sat in bed reading the poetry book Adam had bought him for Christmas, before falling asleep.


	8. Black

Two days later Malcolm told Lucas there was a funeral they needed to go to. Fortunately, amongst his belongings were a black coat and black trousers, so, having borrowed a suitable tie from Malcolm, he was able to dress appropriately.

Malcolm drove them to a crematorium. They walked round to where the funeral service would be held and took seats at the back of the room. There were only a few people present. Lucas thought he recognised a couple of faces but wasn’t sure about it. With everyone wearing black it was hard to know whether he had met people before, or whether he had simply seen them on similar occasions.

He looked at the service sheet, to read the name of the deceased as Tom Raleigh. The name rang a bell, but he couldn’t place it. He turned to Malcolm and whispered, ‘who?’, but Malcolm shook his head and indicated the service was about to begin.

Lucas wondered whether Tom Raleigh was the name Adam had been using in his undercover role. It was possible, but that didn’t seem quite right. He’d have to ask Malcolm again after the service. In the meantime, he let his mind drift.


	9. Pink

As soon as the service ended, Malcolm indicated to Lucas they should leave. Once outside the building, Malcolm walked briskly to the car park, giving Lucas, who was still limping, no opportunity to ask any questions.

As they reached the car park, Malcolm stopped by another car and opened the rear passenger door, telling Lucas he would be getting a lift back with someone else. Lucas was puzzled but got into the car.

There, he saw Adam on the far side of the seat. Lucas launched himself across the seat, and Adam threw his arms around him.

Lucas clung to him and sobbed, “What happened. I thought, I feared,” he pulled back slightly, his face pink as he admitted the fear he’d had at the back of his mind, “that you were dead, and no-one would tell me.”

Adam pulled him close again. “No, I’m well. But there’s a lot we need to talk about.”

Lucas could feel the car was moving, but Adam continued to hold him. “But what about your undercover role? The funeral, Tom Raleigh, was that you? Is that why you’re here?”

“Ssh,” Adam said. “I’ll explain later. But for now, we’re going to Devon for a fortnight’s holiday.”

Lucas sighed happily. “That will be nice.” Then he thought for a moment, and said, “I never thanked Mrs Wynn-Jones for having me.”

Adam laughed. “You can send her a postcard.”


	10. Yellow

The cottage they arrived at was set slightly apart from the others in the Devon village. The garden was full of flowers, and there were yellow climbing roses around the front door. It was idyllic.

Adam unlocked the door, and Lucas followed him inside, with the driver bringing in the bags. Once he had done so, he said goodbye, and Adam and Lucas were alone. Lucas was torn between simply hugging Adam, demanding to know what had happened to him, and the smell of dinner which was coming from the kitchen.

Adam noticed and said, “It smells like the cottage pie is ready. Let’s eat and then I’ll start to explain things to you.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Lucas said. “Do you suppose there’s any pudding?”

Adam laughed. “It’s good to have you back, Lucas. Yes, there’s apple crumble as well.”

Once they had eaten and stacked the dishes in the dishwasher, Adam said, “I think it’s time we talked. Let’s go and sit on the sofa.”

They did so, and then Adam paused, “This is going to be difficult,” he said. He took a deep breath. “What do you remember about the explosion?”

“I was going to meet you. There was an explosion, and then everything went rather fuzzy for a while. I presume I was concussed. After that I have brief memories, flashing lights, the paramedics, two people coming to interview me, the usual doctors and nurses. Nothing particularly clear.”

Adam nodded. “You were definitely concussed. When does it all start becoming clear again?”

“In the hospital. I’m not sure which day, I’d rather lost track. I started recognising the different nurses and doctors, and there was a physiotherapist. I still slept quite a lot. And then Malcolm and his mother, of course.”

“Yes, that’s about what we thought. Well, there’s no easy way to do this. About the funeral ...” Adam took a photo out of his pocket. “This is Tom Raleigh.”

Lucas looked at it. “But that’s me!”

“Yes, you were the one undercover, not me.”

“But I don’t understand.”

“What our doctor has told us is that you were so determined not to break your cover, that your brain completely blanked out the whole thing. You were injured in the explosion, and your body simply decided to concentrate on getting better physically and shoved Tom Raleigh out of sight.”

Lucas thought for a moment, then shook his head. “I really can’t remember anything.”

“Don’t try to. If it does come back then let it come back gradually, and if it never does then don’t worry.” 

Lucas looked at Adam, “But how?” He stopped unsure what he wanted to ask.

“I really wanted to visit you,” Adam added, “but Harry wasn’t happy in case we did blow your cover. I’d have been prepared to ignore him, but the doctor said it was important to let you progress at your own rate, and that pushing you, even inadvertently, might be bad for you. So I waited.”

“I understand. I missed you though.”

“I missed you, too. The nurses probably got fed up with me phoning up all the time.”

“But how did you know there was a problem in the first place?”

“We knew about the explosion. It happened about fifteen minutes before I was due at the location, so Malcolm instantly got on to tracking your whereabouts. You’d been taken to hospital, so we arranged for you to have a single room, and let the medical staff treat you for your injuries. The only problem we had was that you told everyone you were Lucas North, whereas if you’d remained undercover you should have said Tom Raleigh. We arranged for Dr Saunders to see you, he’s one of our experts; I imagine he was one of those you thought of as interviewing you?”

“Yes. He wears brown shoes.”

“He confirmed as far as you were concerned you were simply Lucas. He did say you were happy to talk about living with me, but didn’t say anything current about me, which he didn’t understand. He advised taking things slowly, to let your body heal physically first.”

“I thought it was you who was undercover, which was why I wasn’t going to say anything to him.”

“That makes sense,” Adam paused. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I still get tired very quickly though.”

“In which case, let’s stop there for now. I’ll make some hot chocolate and you can get an early night.”

Lucas nodded. “Um, is there a double bed?”

“Do you think I’d let them book us a cottage without one?”


	11. Purple

The following morning Adam said, “It’s a glorious day. Why don’t we go for a walk on the moors and we can talk a bit more? We can take it slowly and needn’t go too far.”

“I’d like that,” Lucas said.

They took the path out of the village and up onto the moor. For a while they didn’t speak, simply enjoying the sight of the purple heather.

Finally, Adam said, “I really wanted to be the one who collected you, but Saunders advised we continue to take things slowly, so it was agreed Malcolm would come, and I’d pack a bag of your clothes and books for him. His mother was happy for you to stay with them, and said she’d ensure you had plenty of wholesome food.”

“She was very good. She gave me small portions but seemed to be feeding me every couple of hours, so I was starting to think I was a hobbit, with seven meals a day.”

Adam smiled. “And while Mrs Wynn-Jones was feeding you up, Malcolm was seeing how much you did remember. He confirmed you clearly had no recollection of being undercover. And so to the funeral. Harry needed to get rid of Tom Raleigh, and it had been put about he’d died in the explosion. We still thought you would remember something, which was why Malcolm took you to the funeral. I was then to meet you afterwards, as I did, and would carry on from there. As it was, the name still didn’t mean anything.”

“I did recognise the name. But I couldn’t place why.”

“Fair enough. And that brings you up-to-date.”

“It seems like I’ve wrecked what must be months of work.”

“Hardly your fault. You can’t be blamed for being concussed. And given the explosion I’d say someone was already suspicious of you.”

“Maybe. But it would still help if I could remember.”

“Please don’t start thinking that. We are officially on holiday, so I suggest you let it go and we start to do all the things one does when on holiday. Our hire car is being delivered this afternoon, so I thought we could go out and have a cream tea somewhere. What do you think?”

“You do say the most wonderful things!”


	12. Orange

Ten days later, Lucas and Adam were once more on the moor looking to the west as the sun set in an orange blaze. They stood together, holding hands enjoying the view.

“How do you feel?” Adam asked.

“Much better,” Lucas replied. “I’ve really enjoyed this holiday. I feel like I’ve got most of my strength back, and the stamina will come soon. I had hoped my memories would return as well,” he shrugged, “but there’s still time, I suppose.”

“Once we’re back in London you may find there are triggers, I agree. But promise me you won’t go looking for them; it won’t do you any good.”

“I promise.”

“Time to head back. Now the sun’s almost down it will start to get colder.”

“Hot chocolate when we get back? And then I think another early night is called for.”

“Indeed. It would be a shame to waste the opportunity.”

Lucas chuckled, and they walked back to the cottage, arms around each other’s waists.


End file.
